Queuing at the Door, or, A Prayer for Bob Hinkle

1)

Fold your hands, bow your head,

Shut your eyes and pray

I would try, but no one said how to pray

Just how to act like praying

I wanted to know where to go, how many

Steps to take, how many doors to open

2)

Dad would get angry,

If you cheated and opened your eyes

I did not understand sin, but I knew

Consequences and how it felt to get caught

I told Dad, he wouldn’t know I cheated, if his eyes were closed

And learned questioning authority had bigger consequences

3)

Old ladies with glass-eyed foxes around their shoulders,

Powdered cleavage and too much painted lipstick

Would catch me in the center aisle line,

Pull me to their breasts and say

I had a sweet voice when I sang

Smudging my coat with rouge and powder

4)

At home, I would be punished

For the sin of getting Sunday clothes dirty on Sunday

I would attempt to explain,

but making excuses was another sin

To avoid the ladies and the queue to shake the pastor’s hand

I would duck out a side door while no one was looking

5)

When I was old enough,

I sang in choir, sat on the end of a row

Stared out through a crack in the curtains

at the choir loft rail

and smiled at all the sinners who didn’t

Shut their eyes in prayer

6)

In confirmation class, I asked the minister

The difference between praying and the posture of prayer

When he sat me alone in the hallway

For being difficult

I learned there must be no reference

In the index of his book of liturgy

7)

Our choir director and I would talk about belief

And how maybe, I wouldn’t take the confirmation pledge

Before the congregation in the spring, because

Lying before God must be the biggest sin of all

He said we live with private doubts and

Hurting our parents with honesty was a bigger sin

8 )

This morning, I wondered as he lay dying of AIDS,

Ostracized from the church of his nativity,

If he found a way to pray without sin

In a bed on his back in pain

Unable to sit up straight, fold his hands,

Bow his head and pinch eyes tightly shut

…..so no light gets in

4-26-21